Don’t Marry a Proverbs 31 Woman
Religion — By Joe Carter on June 13, 2008 at 12:58 am[Note: I originally wrote this post in 2006 with the intention that it would be provocative. On reflection I see that it is a bit overstated and certainly less nuanced than it needs to be. "Career woman", for instance, has a range of connotations, making the term nearly worthless for shoring up my main theme. Still, I (mostly) agree with the bulk of what I wrote and (completely) stand behind the last sentence. But, as always, I'm open to reproof and correction.]
On the list of claims that are bound to get you into trouble, “Don’t
marry a woman with a career” ranks near the top. Yet Forbes.com editor
Michael Noer recently offered just such a warning to men:
Why? Because if many social scientists are to be believed,
you run a higher risk of having a rocky marriage. While everyone knows
that marriage can be stressful, recent studies have found professional
women are more likely to get divorced, more likely to cheat, less
likely to have children, and, if they do have kids, they are more
likely to be unhappy about it.[...]
If a host of studies are to be believed, marrying these women is
asking for trouble. If they quit their jobs and stay home with the
kids, they will be unhappy (Journal of Marriage and Family, 2003). They
will be unhappy if they make more money than you do (Social Forces,
2006). You will be unhappy if they make more money than you do (Journal
of Marriage and Family, 2001). You will be more likely to fall ill
(American Journal of Sociology). Even your house will be dirtier
(Institute for Social Research).
Noer points out that this findings are based on studies from the
social sciences and even adds qualifying clauses (“if many social
scientists are to be believed…”; “If a host of studies are to be
believed…”; “…it’s important not to confuse correlation with
causation…”) to distance himself from the conclusions. Such hedging
wasn’t enough, though, for he has been savaged in the blogosphere for
making the politically incorrect claim that there might be reasons a
man would not want to choose a career woman for a potential wife. But
if statistics show that you are more likely to be divorced if you marry
a career woman then a man who avoids marrying a career woman is less
likely–statistically speaking and all other things being equal–to get
divorced.
Such a cold statistical inference, though, cannot determine whether
the connection is a matter of correlation or causation. Personally, I
think it has less to do with a woman having a professional career than
with either (a) the type of women who choose such career paths and/or
(b) the experiences that are obtained while seeking such paths.
Consider, for example, a woman who has completed a BA and an MBA
from Ivy League schools and has taken a job at a Fortune 500 company.
Statistically speaking, such a woman will be less likely to have a
traditional view of religion or sexual mores; will have had several
sexual partners; and will seek marriage primarily for emotional
fulfillment. These factors, not the fact that she is an executive, will
detrimentally affect her chances of being “happily and fruitfully
married.”
This is not to say that marital bliss requires women to become June
Cleaver-style stay-at-home moms. In fact, the biblical ideal for a
wife, which is clearly presented in Proverbs 31:10-31,
shares much in common with what we would nowadays consider a “career
woman.” The primary difference is that becoming a “professional woman”
entails acquiring qualities to build an impressive resume, while
becoming a “Proverbs 31 woman” requires obtaining qualities to build an
impressive character. But just as Noer warns against marrying a career
woman, many Christians would advise (in reality if not in theory) that
you avoid marrying a “Proverbs 31 woman.”
The last chapter of Proverbs describes and praises the “noble wife”
and outlines the traits that make her a role model. The woman described
is characterized primarily by her actions. Within the 21 verses a
number of action verbs are used in describing what she does:
arises (gets up), brings, considers, extends, holds, grasps, makes,
opens, (over)sees, trades, plants, provides, portions, selects,
supplies, speaks, and works.
Each of these 21 verses also describes a particular virtue or
quality that the noble wife possesses. The Proverbs 31 woman is
charitable, entrepreneurial, fashionable, financially astute, healthy,
industrious, loving, managerial, productive, prudent, resourceful,
responsible, reverent, self-confident, skilled, trustworthy, virtuous,
wise, praiseworthy as a wife and mother, and married to a respectable
husband.
According to Proverbs, the ideal wife is:
A woman who is…virtuous
10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
A woman who is…trustworthy
11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
A woman who is…loving
12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
A woman who is….industrious
13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
A woman who is…resourceful
14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
A woman who is…responsible
15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.
A woman who is…entrepreneurial
16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
A woman who is…healthy
17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
A woman who is…financially astute
18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
A woman who is…skilled
19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
A woman who is…charitable
20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
A woman who is…prudent
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
A woman who is…fashionable
22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
A woman who is…married to a respectable husband
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
A woman who is…productive
24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
A woman who is…self-confident
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
A woman who is…wise
26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
A woman who is…managerial
27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
A woman who is…praiseworthy as a wife and mother
28-29 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also,
and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them
all.”
A woman who is…reverent
30-31 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward
she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
Sadly, even among evangelical Christians this ideal has fallen out
of favor. Although we often give lip service about how we admire this
passage, we reject its implied list of virtues in favor of our own
brand of “family values.”
For example, the passage says nothing at all about the wife being
directly responsible for educating the children (presumably, that was
the father’s role). But how many Christian women today think being a
“homeschool mom” is more virtuous than running a business from home? Or
what about the passage where the woman “considers a field and buys it”?
Can you imagine the reaction from her Bible-believing, complementarian
husband if she were to purchase land without consulting him first? We
praise the ideal but what we really mean is “Don’t marry a Proverbs 31
woman.”
This is not to imply that I’m against homeschooling (I’m definitely
not) or that I wouldn’t freak out if my wife bought a couple of acres
without consulting me (I definitely would). But we need to carefully
consider how the qualities and virtues presented in Proverbs 31 can be
translated into our own time and culture. As Christians we need to
present a more robust view of the role of the “noble wife” that is
rooted more in the Bible than in 50’s-era faux nostalgia.
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32 Comments
I’m happily married to a “career woman” who has chosen to devote a great deal of time to raising our first three kids till kindergarten, then back to work, then again home for our last child the last three years.
While I would trust her to buy a field, our marriage is so shared that neither she nor I would think to make such a significant family purchase alone.
Her career as doctor / now professor (of bio ethics) in Slovakia has certainly been slowed by the many years at home with the kids. But we’re happy in our non-luxury usual comfort, with unfilfilled desires for easier materialism that we know we don’t quite need (tho we want them).
Thanks for reminding me why I’m so happy with my own noble wife.
The other thing that makes me wonder about the statistical results of the studies is the man in the relationship.
One possibility that I believe would be a contributing factor to causing the statistical unhappiness/divorce rates is the man who is attracted to a “career woman”.
Is he a high-powered lawyer, investor or businessman who is attracted to a woman like himself? I’ve seen quite a few of these match-ups, and most of the guys who have married a business woman are businessmen themselves who spend long hours at work, never seem to leave their work behind them anywhere, and give short-shrift to family. If the wife is like this too – look out.
The men aren’t the entire causation, but I can’t imagine that they aren’t a factor. The personalities who seek a high-powered career, especially when put together, don’t especially commend themselves to a happy home life.
I think your comments about the noble wife are right on the money. It is my hope that with the rise of telecommuting, households that integrate economic productivity and the natural flow of life will become possible in a way that we have not seen since the Industrial Revolution and the beginning of mass production. See Nancy Pearcey’s “Total Truth” for more details on the history of the American household.
I believe you mis-interpret Proverbs 31. This is not a “career woman” – as the text clearly states, her primary concern is her husband, her children, her household.
Yes, she “buys and sells”, but she’s up before dawn, she sews, cooks, and she’s focused on her FAMILY, not a “career.” I married a Proverbs 31 woman. Her career is her husband (that would be me), our six children, and her 11 (soon to be 13, Lord willing) grandchildren.
Personally, I believe that a man would be well-advised to marry a Proverbs 31 woman and leave the career women (as defined by modernity) alone – no offense. How many studies should I cite to back up my advice, i.e. latch-key children, etc.
That being said, a woman may be able to juggle (as the Proverbs 31 woman does) a lot of various duties, including generating an income, while keeping her focus on her family.
Perhaps there is a difference between the Western career woman and the Christian career woman — some of which comes out in Prov 31.
ChrisB:
Valid point. Western Civilization is, however, founded on Judeo-Christian principles, so there is still relevance.
“A woman who is…married to a respectable husband – 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land…”
You could also read Proverbs 31:23 as “behind every good man there’s a good woman.” I’ve known my share of friends whose wives’ vices have taken down their husbands publically. Would imagine the author Proverbs had too.
Behind every good (Prov 31) woman there’s also a good man. Monk’s on to something here…
Hi,
I just stumbled across this blog for the first time and so I read this piece. I’m familiar with Proverbs 31. Is the title of this piece meant to be interpreted literally? If so, why shouldn’t somebody marry a woman with all those good qualities?
Sorry if I’m missing something obvious!
Don:
You are so right. As a matter of fact, it was just the other day that I told my wife, “You are the best thing that I ever happened to.”
She failed to see the humor in my statement.
As a complementarian “career woman”, I appreciate the point Joe is making here. I believe in the traditional complementarian gender roles, where the husband is the provider and the wife cares for the home. However, for the longest time I interpreted this concept very narrowly. I thought it meant that I needed to know how to handle children, laundry, cleaning, clutter, and homeschooling (to name a few). But I thought that was the end of it. In choosing a major in college, I steered clear of the “career” oriented areas of study. But God in his wisdom (and possibly his sense of humor) eventually lead me to a degree in Information Technology and plopped me in the middle of a thriving fortune 500 company. This really wasn’t my idea of biblical womanhood. However, as I’ve explored the scriptures, and seen the reallity of the the tasks that a Proverbs 31 woman should be good at, I reallized that her job was far far greater than I had thought. I was also surprised to find, that since entering the working world, I had grown quite a bit in all of the qualities that she was to possess. I reallized that the skill set of a proverbs 31 woman and a “career woman” are almost identical. (Notice I said skill set, NOT necessarily lifestyle.) The major difference in these two types of women is the focus of the efforts and the stewardship of the skill set. A career woman is focused on bringing value to a company. A proverbs 31 woman is focused on bringing value to her family.
I’m single, and this career is where God has me. And don’t think for a minute that I don’t struggle with this. I would love to have a family. But, I’m very thankful to be a career woman, knowing that it is building my skillset to be a more accomplished proverbs 31 woman for a family at some point, should that be the Lord’s will for me. Believe me, I’m looking forward to ditching the career and focusing on a family. But Joe’s point remains, if a woman is embracing God’s design for her role as a woman, than she as proverbs 31 woman is a career woman.
Sounds like that scripture was describing a career woman….sounds like she had to do EVERYTHING!?!!! And don’t forget, some men don’t deserve a good woman.
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What I would like to see is a Proverbs such as this for a man. Is there such a thing? What biblical verses are crammed down men’s throats to live up to?
I am not up on biblical stuff and it probably shows but I have had PR31 and Titus2 crammed down my throat to the point I used to believe it. That is until I had a breakdown and my therapist straightened me out.
It may have worked in the days when a person lived to 30 but not anymore for many of us.
Just my humble opinion.
As per Nancy’s comment that some men do not deserve a good woman…you are missing the entire purpose of the Bible. None of us deserve to be loved, we love only because GOD first loved us. Our purpose is to become more Christ-like, not to judge (that is GOD’s job alone).
And becoming a Proverb’s 31 woman is not meant to be easy, therefore the women that seek approval from their therapists when they have breakdowns (such as Christine) you should seek wisdom from the Bible. If it was easy for us to be so unselfish we would have no need for Jesus our savior.
Interesting comments. I married a Proverbs 31 woman, who works for a living and takes good care of her family. I am a home-body husband, although I do work part time; the truth is that I am far more domestic than she is.
Maybe you (and the men in the relationships) are just not a Psalm 1 man. Proverbs 31 women were created for Psalm 1 men and Psalm 1 men for Proverbs 31 women.
also… another verse for men is Ephesians 5:18-33
You clearly dont understand what this passage says. Her focus is the family not her workplace. duh
Hello and I agree with Richard williams, see i’m 23 and i’m married with 2 children and at 23 I can tell you that God’s word STANDS, just because the time changes doesn’t mean his word changes and that’s a fact. How could you post such a thing “Don’t Marry a Proverbs 31 women” You see I can be career oriented and still hold my family down, but being a wife your husband is the sole provider and heck if I could be a stay home mom then that’s a blessing!!! NOt having to have to work but only take care of family and home and most importantly remaining in christ then I’ll take Proverbs 31 for “500″ God directs all paths if you let him see I maybe young but i’m not dumb and if God is for it who can be against it. This maybe your perception on life and sorry to hear that but when the times change I know that God keeps me and my family covered and we will not be affected by the ways of the world, so try and keep that in mind I’ll be praying for you. (author of this writing)
Hello and I agree with Richard williams, see i’m 23 and i’m married with 2 children and at 23 I can tell you that God’s word STANDS, just because the time changes doesn’t mean his word changes and that’s a fact. How could you post such a thing “Don’t Marry a Proverbs 31 women” You see I can be career oriented and still hold my family down, but being a wife your husband is the sole provider and heck if I could be a stay home mom then that’s a blessing!!! NOt having to have to work but only take care of family and home and most importantly remaining in christ then I’ll take Proverbs 31 for “500″ God directs all paths if you let him see I maybe young but i’m not dumb and if God is for it who can be against it. This maybe your perception on life and sorry to hear that but when the times change I know that God keeps me and my family covered and we will not be affected by the ways of the world, so try and keep that in mind I’ll be praying for you. (author of this writing)
Richard is correct and so is the Bible.
Be very careful with your words, friend. God is listening to you.
To Christine: Yes, there is a verse like this for men. It begins in Proverbs 23:12 and continues through chapter 24. It’s more directive in nature than descriptive, as is Proverbs 31. Perhaps you could do a study of it, Mr. Carter.
maybe some are forgetting,
the main point is she looks to GOD first
and then cares for her responsibilities.
i could be wrong , but isn’t it supposed to be empowering..?
and agreed Melvin,
no matter what time, Gods word still stands
what gives us the right to question it?
I will fully admit that I used to shy away from Proverbs 31 because when people first interpreted it to me it sounded like God only wanted me to live for my family. Now as I am older and I look at the verses again I see a new light, a figure. Deborah, the judge that God raised up to deliver Israel, was a pure Proverbs 31 woman. She cared for her loved ones, saved a nation, and most importantly placed God first in her life. I don’t think that its purely career verses stay at home. It’s about being a woman that has God at the front of her path. She provides for herself, her family, and those in need in the ways God directs her to do so.
I agree with posters who have said that the scripture stands. To often in today’s society, we try to rationalize our actions by saying the Bible is outdated, but then we call up scripture anytime someone else does something we don’t agree with.
I think all women should strive to be Proverbs 31 women, but not as many churches define it. It is not about staying at home and putting yourself last and it is not about making a career. It is about living in God and following the path he has designed just for you. I also think that men should strive to marry Proverbs 31 women and they should love her as Christ loved the Church. All relationships are give and take. You can’t blame a career if the marriage fails. You can only blame the people involved.
I’ll continue to study and pray. Hopefully God will help me to reach for the qualities he so desires.
I will fully admit that I used to shy away from Proverbs 31 because when people first interpreted it to me it sounded like God only wanted me to live for my family. Now as I am older and I look at the verses again I see a new light, a figure. Deborah, the judge that God raised up to deliver Israel, was a pure Proverbs 31 woman. She cared for her loved ones, saved a nation, and most importantly placed God first in her life. I don’t think that its purely career verses stay at home. It’s about being a woman that has God at the front of her path. She provides for herself, her family, and those in need in the ways God directs her to do so.
I agree with posters who have said that the scripture stands. To often in today’s society, we try to rationalize our actions by saying the Bible is outdated, but then we call up scripture anytime someone else does something we don’t agree with.
I think all women should strive to be Proverbs 31 women, but not as many churches define it. It is not about staying at home and putting yourself last and it is not about making a career. It is about living in God and following the path he has designed just for you. I also think that men should strive to marry Proverbs 31 women and they should love her as Christ loved the Church. All relationships are give and take. You can’t blame a career if the marriage fails. You can only blame the people involved.
I’ll continue to study and pray. Hopefully God will help me to reach for the qualities he so desires.
What does this worldwide standardization mean to you and me? Well, thanks to ISO, we can get cash from an automated teller machine (ATM) in New York City, Hong Kong, Buenos Aires or Moscow. The format of the credit cards, phone cards and smart cards is based on a series of ISO standards. The use of these standards, which outlines features such as the size and thickness of the card as well as the location and data format on the magnetic strip, means that all ATMs, telephones and other card machines throughout the world can read the cards. Since its establishment, ISO has focused primarily on the development of product-specific standards. However, in the mid 1980s, ISO started its work on systems-related standards. This direction later resulted in the well-known ISO 9000 series of standards, ISO 13485, ISO 14001 and others.
The Bible says to marry a Proverbs 31 woman and you question that advice? Find out what that means and find and marry her.
The Proverbs 31 woman is a virtuous person. These words apply equally to a man who is desirable as a spouse. Desirable partners fit these qualities.
What they all point to is someone who loves God, loves their neighbors, and loves themselves. Love is an action verb. There are so many ways to say it. There’s the working way, the spending time way, the cooking and cleaning way, the helping way, and so many more. These roles are not necessary gender specific.
Proverbs 31 points to a marriage that is based on love. These traits are just simply the fruits of love.
Nancy, some men don’t deserve a good woman, and some women don’t deserve a good man. But men and women who love God, other people, and themselves NEED each other. They are accountable TO each other. The great part of this passage is that it lets us know today, even in the topsy-turvy world of womens’ lib, that no matter who takes care of what responsibility, exactly what healthy marital relationships look like.
But the one element that is missing here is grace. God knows we all have our shortcomings, but He loves us anyway. My parents relationship was far from perfect, but when my father went through cancer and has for two years beaten it, grace was so abundant that my mom was with him every step of the way.
The Proverbs 31 woman doesn’t become the Proverbs 31 woman by following a checklist. She has a certain state of mind. A Godly one.
So ironic because i just had this conversation with my sister, mother, grandmother, and other family members just today. I disagree with Mark on one issue, I do believe some roles are gender specific. Women were created as man’s “help mate”. But before all of the ladies pounce my head let us remember a man’s obligations to his wife. For Christ instructed man to love his wife as Christ loved the church…which means to the point of laying down your life for her. In all ways honor a Godly woman and she will naturally “serve” her husband. Action is required from both parties. And it is simply my belief that it is our society which has changed the entire definition of “feminine”. Woman started taking on the unnatural role of the man, and many men lost the meaning of honoring your wife. Lastly, it is my belief that the root of almost all of the world’s problems can be traced back to abnormalities in the original union….which is man united with woman.
So ironic because i just had this conversation with my sister, mother, grandmother, and other family members just today. I disagree with Mark on one issue, I do believe some roles are gender specific. Women were created as man’s “help mate”. But before all of the ladies pounce my head let us remember a man’s obligations to his wife. For Christ instructed man to love his wife as Christ loved the church…which means to the point of laying down your life for her. In all ways honor a Godly woman and she will naturally “serve” her husband. Action is required from both parties. And it is simply my belief that it is our society which has changed the entire definition of “feminine”. Woman started taking on the unnatural role of the man, and many men lost the meaning of honoring your wife. Lastly, it is my belief that the root of almost all of the world’s problems can be traced back to abnormalities in the original union….which is man united with woman. Meaning, we have lost the truth in the original union of man and woman.
I am shocked by some of the comments I’m reading on here. It reminds me over again how much Satan blinds us when we are not grounded in the Word…how we interpret things to fit our own “convienence” to over ride our conscience… The women described here is a virtuous women… she is a women who puts God first, followed by her husband and children. Her focus is making her home a beautiful place …harmony…. she works hard to be their emotionally and physically to the needs of her family… she is a proud wife and mother…a good friend, sister, daughter. She is a women who reads the Word and lives by the standards of the Word in her dress and conduct (ie:language, the things she watches, listens, places she goes like the club) She is a peacemaker, her home is clean, smells good, children have a arm to run to a husband has his wife for companionship…. NOT a women who is so busy trying to run after her own career trying to climb the ladder and neglecting the needs of her famly…like a home cooked meal, a home that is in order, a mom and wife that is not tired after working in a company all day. I do believe a virtious women can have a job outside of the home as long as it doesn’t distrupt her calling as a wife and mother but I just dont know how it can’t in some way… I am 30 years old with two little children and I work outside of my house and I struggle with what I know I should be doing and what I am not doing. Financially I do need to be working…my husband is in med school. I just know God has called me to a HIGHER calling as a wife and mother… at the end of the day what I did to make my job a better place by my hard work doesn’t mean anything… it’s time lost with my family…and my energy that is mispent. I pray one day I can be a stay at home or a part time worker outside and mainly at home. Their’s a reason I was born as a women with a instinct to nurture and care… that instinct is not to nurture the job I have but my family. The decline in family values and marriages are all contributed to the lost vision of millions of women who decided to put down their crowns and be a slave to the worlds ambition to make them robots of production outside of the home …thus beginning havoc in the the family structure and the neglect of the home.
Stacy you are so correct. The proverbs 31 woman is not a “career” woman. She is a woman after God and not the world. She serves her husband, not a boss somewhere else.
She is a woman after God’s own heart. It all follows if you are authentically like that. You become the proverbs 31 woman. if you really love God, would you cheat on your husband? would you do other people wrong? who wouldn’t want a proverbs 31 woman?