On Christian Singleness and Secular Sexuality

Christian singles, especially those committed to lifelong celibacy, face a frustrating cultural situation. On the one hand, secular society sees no particular harm in remaining unmarried for life, provided that one is sexually active. On the other hand, conservative Christian society views singleness as a waiting period, a time to seek a mate, and a state to be left behind as quickly as possible.

The shock many Christians reveal upon meeting lifelong celibates largely because we have assumed, along with the world around us, that the most important aspect of life is sex. We attempt to Christianize this warped idea by maintaining that sex is meant for marriage, but do not challenge the underlying assumptions concerning the place of sex in the life of a human being. Slapping a ‘wait until marriage’ sticker on sexual behavior is hardly a robust Christian response to the complexities of human sexuality

This impoverished view of sexuality damages our Christian singles. Many Christian girls are taught two things about marriage: first, that they should only marry Christian men, and second, that they will eventually marry. It is a very rare church that presents lifelong celibacy as an option. Yet women outnumber men in the Western church by a significant margin, making it statistically impossible for all Christian women to marry the sort of men they were raised to find. Christian singles are left wondering whether something is wrong with them, and feeling as though they are cut off from the full Christian life. Bitterness and despair are a constant danger for singles unless a robust Christian understanding of sexuality is embraced.

Too many people assume that someone who does not marry is either struggling with a sexual problem, or is something of a sexless being. Simply because one does not have sex does not mean that one is not a sexual being: a woman is still very much a woman, even if she never experiences intercourse with a man. A man is still a man whether he ever sleeps with a woman or not.

Lifelong celibacy has long been a important part of Christianity. There are many stories of virgin martyrs from the Roman persecutions, and the practice of lifelong virginity has never been limited to monasteries and convents. One of the great of Christian writers, Saint Augustine, devoted an entire book to the subject. His excellent work On Holy Virginity can be found in several print editions, and online here.

The 1954 papal encyclical Sacra Virginitas sets forward a very clear vision of Christian celibacy. Though not an authoritative source for all Christians, it is a concise portrayal of Christian celibacy:

We take up this way of life precisely to be able to devote ourselves more freely to divine things to attain heaven more surely, and with skillful efforts to lead others more readily to the kingdom of heaven. Those therefore, who do not marry because of exaggerated self-interest, or because, as Augustine says, they shun the burdens of marriage or because like Pharisees they proudly flaunt their physical integrity, an attitude which has been condemned by the Council of Gangra lest men and women renounce marriage as though it were something despicable instead of because virginity is something beautiful and holy, — none of these can claim for themselves the honor of Christian virginity. … This then is the primary purpose, this the central idea of Christian virginity: to aim only at the divine, to turn thereto the whole mind and soul; to want to please God in everything, to think of Him continually, to consecrate body and soul completely to Him.”

This view of Christian celibacy holds true whether one is single by choice or by circumstance; even those who are single by circumstance can devote that singleness “to the kingdom.” Singleness, approached in a truly Christian way, is not a negation or a privation, but a positive good. The Christian single is an icon of the Church as she waits for Christ the Bridgegroom in purity, just as the married couple are an icon of the Church united with Christ.

Christian singles need the respect of their married Christian brothers and sisters. They are not children, nor are they permanent babysitters. While it is good to see older couples take young married couples under their wings, it is regrettable that few people take the time to help young singles, who need just as much guidance in the early years of adulthood.

Singles understand that there are things about love and relationships that they will never experience first-hand. If singleness is a positive vision, and not a privation, then singles need full integration into the Christian community to be fully human–and the Christian community needs the full integration of singles to be a truly Christian community. ‘