On Christian Singleness and Secular Sexuality
Other — By Joi Weaver on June 15, 2009 at 8:55 amChristian singles, especially those committed to lifelong celibacy, face a frustrating cultural situation. On the one hand, secular society sees no particular harm in remaining unmarried for life, provided that one is sexually active. On the other hand, conservative Christian society views singleness as a waiting period, a time to seek a mate, and a state to be left behind as quickly as possible.
The shock many Christians reveal upon meeting lifelong celibates largely because we have assumed, along with the world around us, that the most important aspect of life is sex. We attempt to Christianize this warped idea by maintaining that sex is meant for marriage, but do not challenge the underlying assumptions concerning the place of sex in the life of a human being. Slapping a ‘wait until marriage’ sticker on sexual behavior is hardly a robust Christian response to the complexities of human sexuality
This impoverished view of sexuality damages our Christian singles. Many Christian girls are taught two things about marriage: first, that they should only marry Christian men, and second, that they will eventually marry. It is a very rare church that presents lifelong celibacy as an option. Yet women outnumber men in the Western church by a significant margin, making it statistically impossible for all Christian women to marry the sort of men they were raised to find. Christian singles are left wondering whether something is wrong with them, and feeling as though they are cut off from the full Christian life. Bitterness and despair are a constant danger for singles unless a robust Christian understanding of sexuality is embraced.
Too many people assume that someone who does not marry is either struggling with a sexual problem, or is something of a sexless being. Simply because one does not have sex does not mean that one is not a sexual being: a woman is still very much a woman, even if she never experiences intercourse with a man. A man is still a man whether he ever sleeps with a woman or not.
Lifelong celibacy has long been a important part of Christianity. There are many stories of virgin martyrs from the Roman persecutions, and the practice of lifelong virginity has never been limited to monasteries and convents. One of the great of Christian writers, Saint Augustine, devoted an entire book to the subject. His excellent work On Holy Virginity can be found in several print editions, and online here.
The 1954 papal encyclical Sacra Virginitas sets forward a very clear vision of Christian celibacy. Though not an authoritative source for all Christians, it is a concise portrayal of Christian celibacy:
We take up this way of life precisely to be able to devote ourselves more freely to divine things to attain heaven more surely, and with skillful efforts to lead others more readily to the kingdom of heaven. Those therefore, who do not marry because of exaggerated self-interest, or because, as Augustine says, they shun the burdens of marriage or because like Pharisees they proudly flaunt their physical integrity, an attitude which has been condemned by the Council of Gangra lest men and women renounce marriage as though it were something despicable instead of because virginity is something beautiful and holy, — none of these can claim for themselves the honor of Christian virginity. … This then is the primary purpose, this the central idea of Christian virginity: to aim only at the divine, to turn thereto the whole mind and soul; to want to please God in everything, to think of Him continually, to consecrate body and soul completely to Him.”
This view of Christian celibacy holds true whether one is single by choice or by circumstance; even those who are single by circumstance can devote that singleness “to the kingdom.” Singleness, approached in a truly Christian way, is not a negation or a privation, but a positive good. The Christian single is an icon of the Church as she waits for Christ the Bridgegroom in purity, just as the married couple are an icon of the Church united with Christ.
Christian singles need the respect of their married Christian brothers and sisters. They are not children, nor are they permanent babysitters. While it is good to see older couples take young married couples under their wings, it is regrettable that few people take the time to help young singles, who need just as much guidance in the early years of adulthood.
Singles understand that there are things about love and relationships that they will never experience first-hand. If singleness is a positive vision, and not a privation, then singles need full integration into the Christian community to be fully human–and the Christian community needs the full integration of singles to be a truly Christian community.
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my latest post is up at http://evangelicaloutpost.com/archives/2009/06/3348.html On Christian Singleness and Secular Sexuality
This comment was originally posted on Twitter
my latest post is up at http://evangelicaloutpost.com/archives/2009/06/3348.html On Christian Singleness and Secular Sexuality
This comment was originally posted on Twitter
This is an interesting post because of the conflicts inherent in evangalical protestantism.
The post is right that in Christianity there is a long tradition of celibacy. However, protestantism divorced itself from that tradition in the Reformation. In fact, celibacy was one of the issues being protested. It began with dissent from a celibate priesthood that spread to all facets of protestant life. Put simply, there is no protestant or evangelical tradition of lifelong celibacy.
In evangelical circles celibacy is generally considered disordered to the extent that some more radical fundamentalist elements believe it to be unbiblical (in spite of explicit scriptural advocacy) and even satanic.
You did raise an important consideration for those who reject the idea of lifelong celibacy. If lifelong celibacy was wrong, then there should be an opportunity for all Christians to be “equally yoked.” This statistical impossibility is food for thought.
Profound thoughts on sex and celibacy: http://evangelicaloutpost.com/archives/2009/06/3348.html (via @joitheartist)
This comment was originally posted on Twitter
Joi writes: “On the one hand, secular society sees no particular harm in remaining unmarried for life, provided that one is sexually active.”
On behalf on “secular society,” please know that we don’t care whether or not you are sexually active. In fact, some of us rather like the idea of the most religiously devoted people removing themselves from the gene pool. Feel free to obey Jesus’ hint about making yourselves eunuchs for the kingdom. In the meantime, how about we all agree to respect the right of consenting, sane adults to make their own choices regarding sex?
There you have it Joi, secular society prefers different wording.
“In fact, some of us rather like the idea of the most religiously devoted people removing themselves from the gene pool. Feel free to obey Jesus’ hint about making yourselves eunuchs for the kingdom.”
That’s the best you can do? A worn-out ad hominem attack?
Surely you don’t really want to maintain that biological descendants are necessary to have lasting impact on the world. Aquinas, Queen Elizabeth, and Joan of Arc would put paid to that assertion pretty quickly: none of them had children, yet each had an impact on the world that lasts to this day. Or do you really want to maintain that the Octomom has a greater impact on the world than a parish priest?
I think that Ex-Preacher instead wanted to maintain that religious belief is a genetic characteristic that is inferior to the genetic characteristic of non-belief in religion… that somehow we are less evolved than atheists.
Demographics are an excellent way to look at many issues. Early American Puritans stressed marriage in opposition to singleness and the typical puritan man had two or three wives–in succession–as many women died in childbirth. This had a marked effect on the ratio of men to women. Infant mortality was also high and children were not named until their first birthday to see first it they would be survivors. It eased the emotional bonds and attached grieving process as some many young children died–as did their mothers.
The Puritians and many others, stressed marriage as being a necessary state for most men who were otherwise naturally prone to self indulgence and sloth. It was thought that men needed the responsibilities of marriage and family to cultivate masculinity and maturity which is grounded in self sacrifice on behalf of others. It was thought that men needed the responsibility of caring for women more than women needed men. This is the root of the idea that married men make better disciplined soldiers, than single men, as they have more to fight for and more to return to after war is over.
ex-preacher says:
June 17, 2009 at 11:50 am
Joi writes: “On the one hand, secular society sees no particular harm in remaining unmarried for life, provided that one is sexually active.”
On behalf on “secular society,” please know that we don’t care whether or not you are sexually active. In fact, some of us rather like the idea of the most religiously devoted people removing themselves from the gene pool. Feel free to obey Jesus’ hint about making yourselves eunuchs for the kingdom.
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You pervert His words.
ex-preacher says:
June 17, 2009 at 11:50 am
In the meantime, how about we all agree to respect the right of consenting, sane adults to make their own choices regarding sex?
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Who’s stopping them from choosing as an operation of the mind?
Joi,
I loved this post! There are so many amazing examples of people living celibate lifestyles for the sake of the Kingdom of God. St. Augustine, as you mentioned, along with John Wesley, the founder of the Methodist Church. Anglican monks and nuns, continue the tradition of a celibate lifestyle, along with Shane Claiborne and the wave of new monasticism.
So much can be done for proclaiming the person of Christ and the glorious Gospel by being called to a celibate lifestyle! How curious that being celibate for Jesus Christ was valued so highly in the days of the early church.
It’s a profound and brilliant calling! Blessings.
Oh, and one more thing…
Check out chapter Five of Families at the Crossroads. The chapter is titled, “The Superiority of Singleness.” It goes on to explain why Paul stated that being single is better than being married, and, at the same time, why it is not a sin for people to marry. Good stuff!
http://books.google.com/books?id=l4vwFgDW0tQC&pg=PA89&lpg=PA89&dq=the+superiority+of+singleness&source=bl&ots=E970GroRCX&sig=IpmJSV4nrF6I00sk_vmTKnkrabk&hl=en&ei=DDCXSuDwM9mfmAet_rmqBQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1#v=onepage&q=the%20superiority%20of%20singleness&f=false