Proposal: The Ensured Family Health and Disease Prevention Act

President Obama:

Finally we have a President that wants to actually protect wellness of citizens and immigrants. I am pleased to see your progress towards nationalized health care despite harsh criticism. Much of this criticism noticeably concerns money. What kind of person would put money above life?

You and I know that no one should have to die.

Yet even aside from that, money does not need to be a point of contention. There is a simple solution: Make us live in a healthier way through regulation and necessary coercion. Or, to put it in PR terms, ‘encourage’ wholesome living through ‘health standards’.

I was ecstatic to see the measures that you recently took with tobacco regulation. What a superb beginning for achieving a healthier America.

I suggest you now focus on caffeine. Think of it—young American children guzzle more espresso shots every year than they are (literally) able to count. Caffeine is always masked by syrups that entice our children. Greedy corporations like Starbucks, Peet’s, Monster, Red Bull, etc., need to be held accountable. American teenagers gain caffeine dependency before armpit hair. And it does not end there. These teenagers will become adults with stunted growth, arrhythmias, attention disorders, restless leg syndrome, and a variety of cancers all because of their caffeine intake. A university study has proven it.

Because affordable national health care requires healthy citizens, this caffeine travesty cannot continue. I respectfully propose that a bill be written requiring all cafes to serve only black coffee within six months time. Torino syrups, warm milk, and sweeteners must be confiscated. The bill will prohibit coffee sale to minors under the age of 15.

‘Energy-drink’ companies must enter a two-year dismantling program. By the end of the first year, all drink containers must be black. All cans must be labeled with a hazard symbol and list of consumption risks in English, Spanish, French, and German. Advertisements should be prohibited within four miles of any educational facility. By the end of the second year, the company would be given the option of either selling all assets or converting their factories for multivitamin production.

I hope that this plan meets with your approval. If enacted, I am confident it will lead to a healthier, happier America. As a former caffeine addict who occasionally falls off the wagon, I can personally affirm the necessity of these measures.

Respectfully Yours,